


How the Avengers Ended Up With Their Own Ben & Jerry's Flavor

by bitogoth



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Boys feel left out, Clint loves ice cream, Clint should know better, Dumb Terrorists, Everyone loves ice cream, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Girls are BAMFs, Girly stuff, Ice Cream, Sorry Not Sorry, Thor loves ice cream, Yes That's Really What This is About, eating contest, poor steve, that time of the month
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-18
Updated: 2015-01-30
Packaged: 2018-02-26 04:41:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 12,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2638454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bitogoth/pseuds/bitogoth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is about what happens when (inevitably) all the female Avengers' monthly cycles end up in sync. I don't know how anyone else feels about it, but I think it's hilarious. As a female person who worked at an all-girls summer camp, I know whatof I speak.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I am actually interrupting a running story line to get this out of my head. Please feel free to supply your own witty Ben & Jerry's Avengers flavor names. I own no permissions to the Avengers or Ben & Jerry's, but worship them for the gods they are.
> 
> And since someone already asked, Alexa Harrow's favorite flavor is Mint Chocolate Cookie. ;}

At first, it's just Pepper and Tony.

Pepper is 100% CEO, even when crying at soppy movies with a pint of her favorite ice-cream. JARVIS makes sure there is always some in the freezer and that Tony never forgets what it is and accidentally eats it. That happened once, and was the most structural damage inflicted on the Tower before the Chitauri attack and the Avengers moved in.

Pepper is quite aware of all this and plays to her strengths; some of the most aggressive acquisitions for Stark Industries fall on the third week of any given month. Pepper's assistant is also quite aware of this, and always brings chocolate chip cookies to celebrate a merger. Pepper's assistant is one of the highest-paid PAs in the world for exactly this kind of reason.

Pepper: New York Super Fudge Chunk

***

When Natasha moves in, it's her and Pepper against the boy's club.

Clint knows from long experience the minute danger signs when Natasha is more lethal than usual. He works out an elaborate and secretive code to warn the the rest of the team, which is only effective until Natasha figures out the current code and Clint has to change it once he comes out of hiding.

In truth, Natasha isn't particularly hormonal (the Red Room made sure of that), but she enjoys the look of fear on the guy's faces when it's time to spar. As with everything else, it's a tool she uses.

Pepper and Natasha each appreciate having another girl around for shoe-shopping, spa days, and commiserating about living in what's basically become a super-hero frat house.

Natasha: Chocolate Fudge Brownie Fro-Yo

***

Tony had already invited Jane (and by proxy, Darcy) to move into the Tower prior to the fall of SHIELD.

This helps even out the numbers a bit, but no one is prepared for the emotional pyrotechnics. Bruce actually flees the lab the first time Jane bursts into tears over a data error. Darcy, on the other hand, becomes more manic than usual, as well as short-tempered. Even better, Darcy and Jane have been working together long enough that they are in sync. This leads to the girls dominating the common room for sad romances one night a month, and are soon joined by Pepper and Natasha when they're available.

Thor stumbles across one of these nights and asks if he may join since he likes movies and ice cream and being with Jane. For this he is voted "The Best Boyfriend," a title of which he is very proud and wants to add to his other official titles.

JARVIS increases their ice cream order. 

Jane: Triple Caramel Chunk

Darcy: Everything But The...

Thor: Hazed and Confused

***

No one expected Maria Hill to join the group after she transitioned to SI and took over covert running of the new SHIELD under Cap's leadership and Tony's funding.

After a particularly brutal dressing-down of one of the new agents, Natasha pulls her aside and issues an invite. When Maria arrives she finds the female members of the Tower huddled around the big screen in pajamas, each with their own tub of ice cream. Natasha solemnly hands her a pint of Karamel Sutra. Maria is bemused and sits down next to Thor, who is beaming over his own pint while Darcy paints his fingernails.

***

Once Sam is convinced to move into the Tower, he also sits in occasionally. He's generally sympathetic and a good listener, and also smart enough to know when to discretely bow out of the room. He introduces the group to Pumpkin Cheesecake, which is declared a keeper.

Steve sits in a couple times when he feels welcome, but is overwhelmed by the variety of ice cream flavors available. This makes him the darling of the group since they get to see Steve try Every...Single...Flavor...for the first time. He never quite settles on a favorite, although the Salted Caramel Blondie seems to go pretty fast.

***

Tony feels distinctly left out and starts openly moping around the kitchen on girl's-night instead of hiding in his workshop. After being driven off by a barrage of throw pillows and sofa cushions he stocks his workshop fridge with Coffee, Coffee BuzzBuzzBuzz! for himself and Gilly's Catastrophic Crunch for Bruce (which makes Tony crack up every time).

On "girls only" nights the guys retreat to the workshop, eat their own ice cream and watch moves. Hilarity ensues the night the two groups realize they're both watching "Knight & Day" and agree to see it together for the next movie night.

***

At this point a freezer just for ice cream is delivered to the common kitchen with named shelves, to keep Clint from just taking anything that he claims isn't labeled. (He won't admit that his favorite is Cotton Candy, but Natasha makes sure there is some in there for him to steal.)

A picture of the interior of said freezer is somehow leaked to social media. Overnight, Ben & Jerry's stock jumps almost 10 points and the Avengers are swamped with deliveries of their favorite flavors from fans.

Stark PR issues a polite statement that the Avengers do love their ice cream, and due to the fans' generosity they will share donations with local children's hospitals and family shelters, and encourage those who want to contribute to give directly to select organizations.

Barely a month later Ben & Jerry's releases their newest flavor "Ultimate Avenger" with six different ingredients and a portion of all purchases going to the Maria Stark Foundation.


	2. Bad Timing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe I wrote more. I'm sorry! (But I'm not SORRY-sorry)

Someone was watching the Avengers.

Actually, that's kind of ridiculous. EVERYONE was watching the Avengers, all the time. Basically any window that faced Stark Tower was now prime real estate and Tony had made some unexpected advances in glazing to help ensure privacy. Helicopter tours needed to keep a minimum distance from the Tower lest they be struck by a massive lawsuit (or possibly lightning). For the most part, the native New Yorker's general blase-ness about celebrity worked in their favor, but, essentially, someone was ALWAYS watching the Avengers.

In this case, it was a home-grown terrorist group with rather narrow views on the role of women in society. Their manifesto (such as it was) went on to state firm (yet conflicting) views on intellectualism, big oil, government cover-ups, men in black suits, hormones in meat, and radio waves. 

Basically, SHIELD's reveal and fall was like every birthday and Christmas combined for these bozos.

The Avengers were already on their short list since Pepper was the rich and successful CEO of one of the largest companies in the world; clearly she needed to learn her place. Stark was an idiot for handing over the reins and they'd be doing him a favor by taking her out of the picture. The Black Widow was pretty much their boogie man (or girl, at least); strong, smart, and deadly, she was a perversion of everything that femininity should be. The verdict on Jane was mixed; on the one hand she was a scientist (science BAD). On the other, she had been corrupted by an alien and needed to be rescued and led back into the light (ALIENS ARE STEALING OUR WIMMIN).

As you can imagine, the cell's biggest claim to fame to date was The Onion's mocking their Facebook page. There was a party when they learned they made a national watch-list for hate groups (they were ranked 1,374).

Things might have maintained at status quo except one member who was slightly smarter than most noticed that, every once in a while, the male Avengers would go out and leave the females behind for a night. No one considered  _why_ the guys abandoned ship every once in a while; if anyone did the general assumption was that guys needed a bowling night, even nancy-pants, whipped, science nerds who ran around in tights.

The plan (if you could call it that) was to storm the Tower when the male Avengers were confirmed away and grab the women "to set an example". (An example of what no one was completely sure, and what they'd do afterwards was open to some heated debate.) If they'd had more time they probably would have talked themselves out of it, but two nights later their spotter gleefully reported that the men were out of the building (in fact, the alien wasn't even around, which was even better). It was easy to schedule a helicopter tour and then hijack it (Freddie had flown a 'copter before his pilot's license was revoked) and simply turned off the radio when the guy with the snobby British accent warned them away from the building.

Heck- there was a heli-pad _right there_ ; these Avenger freaks were just _asking_ for a raid.

The pilot was tied up and left in the back of the 'copter. There were five of them with small arms (they wouldn't need much, and besides, there was no way to smuggle a rifle onto the 'copter without raising suspicions). They piled out and charged the glass doors that led to the main living area.

The first sign that something wasn't right was when they couldn't get the door open. Joe shot the glass and damn if it wasn't shatter proof. He had to empty a whole clip and then kick it in before they could get through.

The second sign was when they found five women in pajamas, sitting around the biggest TV screen they'd ever seen, eating ice cream and looking at them like something you'd wipe off your boot.

Things went downhill from there.

***

Tony had taken the guys to a local bar where he knew the owner and they could have a modicum of privacy. Clint was currently showing off his trick-shot pool skills for Sam, who proceeded to turn around and drop three pockets on one shot. Steve bumped Tony's shoulder with his own. "Told you so, pay up." Tony rolled his eyes and grudgingly handed over a twenty. Bruce laughed and sipped his beer; craft lager was growing on him.

At that moment a call came in from JARVIS. "Heya J, what's shaking?"

"Sir, there has been an... incident... at the Tower."

"Is everything okay?" An 'incident' could be anything from a nerf battle getting out of hand to minor explosions, but most of the usual guilty parties were with him at the bar.

"Things are currently under control, and the authorities have been notified."

"Whoa! What authorities? What happened?!" Tony waved frantically to the group and they focused their attention on the phone as Tony switched to speaker.

"I think it would be best if Ms. Potts explained, but she is currently detained. At her request you should all return to the Tower immediately, Sir. She does want you to know that the terrorists have been disarmed."

"WHAT!?" There was general scramble for jackets and Tony threw a wad of bills wildly at the bar as they boiled out the door. Steve was already halfway down the block and both Tony and Sam complaining that they didn't have their suits so they could fly back.

It took them all of five minutes to get back to the Tower, Tony cursing that he hadn't designed the elevators to have speed settings for emergencies. The five of them burst out of the elevator, only to find a most unexpected picture:

Gagged and trussed on the floor like so many Thanksgiving turkeys were five would-be terrorists, each with a pair of crossed ankles resting on him, like a bevy of embarrassed ottomans. The girls were watching "The English Patient" and eating their respective pints of ice cream intently. Perched on a stool at the kitchen counter was the now-released pilot with his own pint, who greeted the new arrivals with a friendly wave and suggested "Don't interrupt them. This is the best part. That's what _those_ guys did."

Tony took in the smashed-in glass door, assorted bullet holes, and the curious burn marks on the corner of one sofa, then wandered over to the freezer and hooked out a pint of ice cream.

"Any else want one? Not you monkey-boy," he told the Darcy's hopeful-looking footrest as he tried to roll toward Tony. She gave him a firm dig in the ribs with her heel and went back to her ice cream.


	3. New Additions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aw man... this thing keeps writing myself. Somehow I forgot Rhodey!

Rhodey was an infrequent guest at the tower; he was still attached to the DOD, but was sometimes called in on missions that needed extra firepower. It was his first visit since the freezer delivery, and like most of the Internet had heard about the Wall of Ice Cream.

"Do you mind if I take a look?"

Tony waved an arm expansively, "Be my guest. Just don't take any from the labelled shelves; Bad Things Happen if you take something from a labelled shelf."

Rhodey whistled in appreciation as the doors swung open. "Tony, I've known you a long time, and I've gotta say- this is kinda weird, even for you. Can I get you something Pepper?"

"No thanks Rhodey, but you can help yourself to something from my shelf if you like."

"Wait- why does he get to eat your ice cream and I don't?!"

Pepper smiled indulgently, "Because he's a guest and he's polite."

"Polite? When am I not polite. I'm _always_ polite." Tony trailed off into mutters as Nat raised an eyebrow and Clint laughed out loud.

Rhodey was still rummaging around in the freezer. Nat asked, "What's your favorite flavor?"

"Cotton Candy if you have any."

Clint sat up abruptly. "We're all out!" Nat gave him a knowing look but he shrugged it off.

"So I see. Can I take the Peanut Butter Fudge Core from the door?"

"Sure, anything on the door is up for grabs."

"Wait, are we really out?" Clint vaulted over the back of the chair and sprinted into the kitchen, rifling through the freezer in increasing frenzy. Nat smirked and Pepper caught her eye and grinned.

Just then, Bucky wandered in, eating out of the last container of Cotton Candy. Clint watched in dismay as he licked the spoon and tossed the empty container into the garbage chute.

"Aw, Bucky, noooo..."


	4. A Woman and Her Brownie Shall Not Be Parted

It had been one of those days.

Jane was huddled on the couch, curled around a hot water bottle in a woolly cover. Pepper had joined the group this evening and was particularly waspish, then immediately contrite, then snapping again. Bruce had stopped by only long enough to deliver an offering of double-chocolate brownies (still warm) to go with their ice cream. Darcy immediately shoved one in her mouth and declared, "Bruth, yurr th' BETHST!"

Natasha was just getting settled when JARVIS politely interrupted, "I'm terribly sorry, Agent Romanov, but you are needed immediately."

Nat froze in the act of folding herself onto the couch and snuggling under a blanket. "What."

"Director Hill needs to send you on a mission of some urgency."

She considered that. "No," then tucked the blanket around her feet and reached for the brownies. Jane and Pepper looked at each other in shock, and even Darcy raised an eyebrow as she chewed.

JARVIS was unflappable. "Director Hill asks me to remind you that Sir and Prince Thor are unavailable, and Dr. Banner is unsuitable for this particular mission."

Natasha continued nibbling her brownie, completely unconcerned.

At that moment Maria's voice projected into the room. "I swear to _god_ if you don't get your _skinny ass_ down here this minute..."

"Never mind, Director, we've got her," Steve said as he strode into the room, already in uniform. "Let's go, wheels up."

Natasha narrowed her eyes and deliberately took a large bite of brownie.

"Ooh, snap!" declared Darcy, scooting down into her chair and grinning as she waited for the fireworks to begin.

"We don't have time for this, it's a hostage situation."

Nat sighed, blowing a lock of hair out of face and rolled her eyes; clearly, anyone dumb enough to be taken hostage was on their own in her book.

Steve, however, was a leader for a reason and he knew his teammates. "I'll ask Bruce to bake a second batch of brownies so they'll be ready when you get back."

Darcy was _all for_ that, "We'll save the movie for you! Go go go!"

Nat shot a sullen look her way but grudgingly rose from the couch and slipped her feet back into her shoes.

Clint had been hanging back as he watched all this, poised to sprint for the nearest air vent in case of explosion. Sam, however, felt that since she was cooperating the worst was over.

Sam was wrong.

"You wanna get changed?"

Natasha slowly turned and glared at Sam, whose jaw dropped, then his mouth slowly closed and he swallowed. Natasha stalked out to the helipad with the others behind her.

Sam's breathing was shallow as Clint clapped a hand on his shoulder reassuringly. "I think my life just flashed before my eyes. I haven't had a woman look at me like that since my Nana caught me looking at dirty pictures in church." He shuddered and followed, sitting warily on a bench as far from Natasha as possible, who remained ominously silent for the duration of the flight.

***

They set down outside the office building of a major bank where the officers on the scene brought them up to speed. Apparently the captors were AIM and making demands, which had automatically flagged SHIELD's radar.

Steve had the building blueprint thanks to JARVIS, and they knew on which floor the hostages were being held, but the police didn't know exactly how many captors there were- only that they were armed and threatening to blow the whole building if the police didn't meet their demands. More than that, the captors wanted to speak to Tony, who was currently mopping up a Ten Rings cell in China and was too busy to negotiate with chuckleheads. The police chief was respectful towards Captain America as they made plans. Unfortunately, the chief negotiator _wasn't,_ and the argument was beginning to escalate to chest-poking when Sam glanced around and nervously cleared his throat.

"Uh, boss? Where's Widow?"

Clint looked around frantically and then swore. Steve's shoulders slumped and the negotiator started screaming that if anyone died it was all their fault (Steve wondered how this guy even had a job at this point; even the chief of police looked like he wanted to deck the loudmouth).

Suddenly, there was a muffled WHUMP from somewhere inside the building and a rapidly-thickening stream of smoke began to float out of a 13th story window where the hostages had last been reported. The negotiator turned grey and grabbed his chest while the chief yelled for an update. Steve stepped aside and urgently asked into the comm, "Widow, are you there? Status! Are you with the hostages?"

"Yeah, they're right here." All five of them turned to find Natasha sauntering around the corner of the building, the until-recently hostages gleefully herding a half-dozen bruised and bleeding AIM goons.

The police quickly rounded them up and the medic teams checked out the hostages but they were all right. Natasha glared daggers at anyone foolish enough to be caught looking her way until Steve and the slightly confused police chief wrapped things up and they were free to go. Clint eased into the pilot's seat as Natasha sulked in the co-pilot's chair, "Let's go before my brownies get cold."


	5. Wine-Infused Ice Cream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Do I really need to say anything here? Nope, I thought not. I swear this darn thing writes itself.
> 
> (By the way, this is a really real product, in case you didn't know. _The More You Know_ *musical tinkling sounds*)

It was, without a doubt, Tony's fault.

When he heard about the premium wine-infused ice cream it seemed like a no-brainer to have samples from the upstate dairy delivered to the Tower. He even checked to see if it was truly alcoholic. (Yes) Would it get you drunk? (No) Buzzed? (Survey says yes)

He wasn't particularly interested for himself, but he could see it being something Pepper, and most likely the rest of the girls, would love.

The mistake was placing the order himself.

In all the excitement (Mercer's, about getting a call from _Tony Stark_ , and Tony's, for having a good idea for once about something that Pepper might actually  _like_ ), somehow the seven one-pint samples became seven _five-gallon_ _tubs_.

There was some scrambling and Tony ended up appropriating part of a walk-in freezer in the Tower restaurant.

Tony didn't believe in prophecy or fate or any of that stuff, but the ice cream came into play sooner than he'd expected.

***

Darcy's relationship with Ian was, at best, volcanic. Just being who she was Darcy was a force of nature. Add long distances, multi-hour time difference, and a certain graduate assistant making eyes at Ian over Facebook and the inevitable occurred. The argument was explosive and tempestuous. Tony stuck his head in the common room long enough to see Darcy's vitriolic diatribe on the inconstancy of men and how she was better off without him before she completely dissolved into tears of mortal anguish. Jane tried fruitlessly to console her as Natasha sat by, supportive but also absolutely aware that the path of young love never ran smooth (she had read it in a book somewhere).

Five minutes later Pepper and Maria arrived after a page from Tony. They were confused, but Pepper immediately went to Darcy's other side and began rubbing her back as Darcy soaked her shoulder (never mind that Pepper's suit cost more than Darcy's battered Vespa). At that moment the elevator doors opened and Tony stood aside as two trolleys rolled in with seven punch bowls, each with a difference flavor of alcoholic ice cream. The waiters quickly laid out fancy glass dishes with delicate silver spoons and silently bowed themselves out.

Tony formally scooped a mound of Chocolate Cabernet into a bowl and handed it to Darcy with a flourish, "Breakups require ice cream, wine and friends. You have all three." Darcy wrapped her arms around Tony's waist and sobbed into his side with a muffled "Thank you, Tony!" He carefully extracted himself as quickly as possible without giving offense, but the soft look from Pepper said that he'd done good. After he made his escape he warned the male denizens of the Tower and left the ladies in peace.

That was Tony's second mistake.

***

It started with the best intentions, of course: girlfriends sitting around, commiserating about bad relationships. (Natasha did not share much, since a 'bad relationship' in her book was one that took more than one bullet to end. The rest of the group listened to this with a degree of awe and wistfulness that would have deeply alarmed their respective significant others had they known, except, of course, for Maria who 100% agreed.)

As more ice cream was consumed all the flavors were tried by everyone (Cherry Merlot, Peach White Zinfandel, Port, Red Raspberry Chardonnay, Spiced, and Riesling rounded out the options). The makers of said ice cream had been sure you couldn't become inebriated from a bowl's worth, or even a pint. Of course, no one had factored in Jane's complete lack of alcohol tolerance and petite frame. After a particularly unkind reminiscence of her ex, Doug, Jane laughed so hard she fell off the couch with a 'Whoop!'

Feeling left out, the rest of the ladies opened a couple bottles of actual wine to catch up. Darcy in particular was soon feeling right-with-the-world, and speculation turned to potential replacements.

Things generally spiraled downward from there.

***

Tony was made aware of events when JARVIS reported that the ladies had cornered Steve in his rooms and were begging him to come out and take off his shirt for them. Only a phone call from Ian to apologize managed to call off the pack, and Darcy's sloppy make-up speech was recorded for posterity and future blackmail purposes. Maria and Natasha went off for their own little celebration, and Jane woke up the next morning in a puddle of melted ice cream with horrible bloating.

The evening ended with Tony holding back Pepper's hair as she swore off wine-and-ice-cream-binges for the rest of her life, and they mutually agreed that no word of this was ever to be spoken of outside the Tower.

Steve didn't come out of his room for two days and was noticeably skittish around members of the female persuasion for the rest of the week.


	6. The Great Ice Cream Eating Contest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is ridiculously long for what was supposed to be a ficlet. Oh well- you asked for it!

After the infamous "Wine-Ice-Cream-Fiasco" (as it was now being called), the Tower had a distinct odor of stickiness and shame.

The leftover dregs in the punch bowls were poured down the drain and Tony gave his cleaning crew an extra-large bonus for dealing with the soggy mess in the lounge. Marcus didn't even raise an eyebrow; he had cleaned up much worse after Mr. Stark's parties over the years, although this was a new one, even for Stark. (He was pretty sure there had been ice-cream-wrestling involved. Billionaires. Sheesh.)

That left one problem: what to do with the nearly 21 gallons of ice cream still left in the restaurant's freezer. The guys were gathered for breakfast while the ladies were conspicuously absent. Thor arrived to find Jane curled up in bed with a bottle of Gas-Ex and refusing to see him. He sat forlornly at the table trying to understand the increasingly improbable story his battle-brothers were telling him.

"Midgardians have combined wine and ice cream? I must try this!" Thor loved Midgardian cuisine; the variety constantly astounded him. He was the joy and terror of food trucks within a ten-mile radius of the Tower, and his love of ice cream bordered on the epic.

"Yeah, sure, you can have it Goldilocks," Tony agreed with an offhand wave.

Bruce frowned. "You can't let him eat it all by himself, Tony, he might get sick."

"I doubt it; he just polished off 20 pancakes and this is an  _off day,_ " Tony snorted into his coffee mug.

Bruce turned to the rest of the table but there was no help there: Steve was still in his room, and Clint and Sam were huddled over a StarkPad chortling with glee at recordings of last night's shenanigans. Steve had forgotten to ask JARVIS to stop recording in his rooms, so they watched a split screen of the howling mob of femininity outside his door and Steve's panicked expression inside the room... at one point he clearly considered jumping out the window. Thank goodness the Avenger section of the building was specially reinforced or Natasha would have just kicked the door in.

Bruce sighed, "Well, I guess we don't have to worry about him getting drunk from it, but I still think he shouldn't eat it all." He wandered over to the ice cream freezer and began poking through it, "Some of these are past their expiration dates, we should clean this out, too."

Bucky frowned, "You can't just throw it out!" That got the attention of the rest of the table with a chorus of "Hey!", "Aww, ice cream, no!", and "Ice cream dies?!"

Bruce was trying very hard to instill good eating habits in Bucky, mainly because Bucky didn't care _what_ he ate; the super-soldier serum ensured that he and Steve didn't gain weight and were always hungry. If allowed, Bucky would eat ice cream every meal, just because he liked it and it was there. Also, Bucky refused to waste food, to the point of cleaning the other Avengers' plates in restaurants. It was slightly embarrassing; at least Steve brought home the leftovers before eating them.

"Face it, expired ice cream probably wouldn't hurt most of these guys," Tony said, waving his mug over the assembled group, "and Clint would eat it anyway just because someone else was."

A wicked smile slowly crept over Sam's face as he looked around the table; he knew exactly what kind of hell he was about to instigate and he cherished the chaos to come. "You mean... an eating contest?"

"Yes! A mighty contest of champions!" Thor declared, slamming his fist on the table and making the silverware jump.

"We _have_ to get Steve in on this," Bucky grinned and Bruce's objection died on his lips. The fact was, they were all still protective of Bucky- he had good days and bad days, but to see him excited about  _anything_ and wanting to participate pretty much guaranteed that it would happen. Bucky was perfectly aware of this fact, but tried not to take advantage of it  _too_  often.

Tony began to chortle, "Oh, this is going to be good- let me get PR in on this."

"What!?" Bruce's reply was almost panicked.

"Just think how much money we can raise if we publicize this!" Tony knew perfectly well that Bruce would put up with almost anything for a good cause (See: last year's pictures of the Hulk in a Santa hat and beard handing out donations to homeless families).

Bruce's shoulders slumped; he knew when he was beat. "I still say this is a bad idea."

***

It took two weeks to put things together and start publicity, with the actual contest a month later to build anticipation which put it right on July 4th. Steve insisted that the funds raised go to veterans and their families, and with both Iron Patriot and Captain America competing, it was guaranteed to be a star-spangled day.

The idea was that donors would pledge a set amount for every pint of ice cream eaten by the Avengers. The site was in Central Park, and was roped off for crowd control. Observers could make a small donation and would receive a free ice cream voucher. Dairies had scrambled to make donations, while Ben & Jerry's handed out hundreds of free samples of 'Ultimate Avenger'. On the day of the contest the turnout was so huge that they added a second ring and projection screens; Pepper calculated that they raised $15,000 before the contest even started.

The stage held a long table with a large digital readout. As each empty carton was discarded it would be checked by the judges and then added to the total count displayed over each Avenger's head.

The original plan was that it would just be the guys, but PR insisted that they make it an all-Avengers event and include Natasha. She agreed with surprising good nature and seemed vaguely amused by the whole thing. The ladies had all placed bets on who would toss their cookies once the cameras were off. They weren't unique in this idea, and some serious betting pools had sprung up around the country.

A tent was set up from which the Avengers made their entrance as they were announced. Sam flashed his wings to the delight of the crowd, and Clint shot arrows Tony had whipped up that exploded in red, white and blue powder that drifted over the crowd. Tony and Rhodey soared in with a synchronized entrance that put most air shows to shame (the choreography took three weeks to work out and resulted in a UFO report over the Adirondacks). Tony had tried to convince Natasha to do a series of flips and leaps for her entrance, but she, Bucky, and Steve came in together and just smiled and waved. Thor, of course, was a favorite of the crowd with his cape streaming behind him; he waved Mjolnir, then placed it on the stage and raised a spoon instead to cheers from the crowd.

The Hulk was saved for last. It had taken almost the full six weeks to determine: does the Hulk even  _like_ ice cream, if so then what kind, could they get him to use a spoon, and what effect would it have on Bruce when he changed back (Answers: Yes, All of them except pistachio, No and Inconclusive). Thankfully, Hulk loved the crowd and they loved him in return; the Hulk didn't generally appear at publicity events, so he was a huge draw, plus the general assumption that he'd eat the rest of the team under the table with no problem. He had a large, metal bowl which held three pints of ice cream with the containers removed, and a special unit with a hose was on standby to clean him up afterward.

Tony and Rhodey stepped out of their armor so there could be no accusations of cheating (or ice-cream-and-circuitry related mishaps), and the depths of Tony's duplicity was revealed; we was wearing sweatpants with a stretch waistband and looked all too smug about it. Nonetheless, the the starting bell rang and they were off!

Natasha was matching Clint spoon-for-spoon. He was pretty cocky to begin with, but when they both finished their first pints and signaled for the next he began to get nervous; Nat gave him a sly smile as she licked her spoon. The Iron Men were both eating as fast as possible with an eye on each other- they'd always been competitive and this was just another "Remember when...?" story in the making.

Steve and Bucky were laughing and joking as they started their third pints. Sam was pacing himself but keeping a close eye on the less-enhanced end of the table to make sure he made a decent showing. Hulk's helpers were cutting the paper off pints and tossing them in Hulk's bowl in a constant stream; he'd pick a whole pint up with one hand, toss it in his mouth, chew thoughtfully and then grab another. Occasionally Hulk would wave at the crowd and smile through the ice cream and the PR crew would almost faint with happiness.

Clint and Nat finished their second pints and as he waved for the next one Nat stretched with a wicked smile. About three spoonfuls in Clint began to weave a little, but when he saw Natasha's raised eyebrow he dug in. Steve was keeping a close eye on things and was starting to worry that this would be a bad example for kids to follow, but it was bit too late to back out now; he could always give a "don't do this at home" speech at the end, he decided. Clint desperately clawed himself to the bottom of the pint, but at the last spoonful he just couldn't do it and his head hit the table with a thump, the mic picking up something about "...ice cream headache, noooo..." Natasha leaned over, ate his last bite and handed both pints to the judges to be counted with a smug smile. She then politely bowed out, sitting back to watch the rest of the team finish up.

Sam, Tony, and Rhodey were trying to get the bottom of their third pints as well. Tony looked distinctly green, while Rhodey was eating slower and slower. Ever ready to egg things on, Sam leaned over and asked, "I wonder which of you will finish your pint first?" The two started eating faster, eyes on each other, until with a groan Tony raised his spoon. Rhodey clapped him on the back and Tony just barely managed to keep from showering the camera crew. They both bowed out, then turned to Sam... who confidently started his fourth pint.

Meanwhile, the spirit of competition had finally gotten to Steve and Bucky; they were each well into their seventh pints and had an eighth waiting for them. Thor was matching them pint-for-pint with easy good humor. Sam finished his fourth and called it; he'd regret starting the whole thing later, but for now he happy as a clam watching the final contenders.

Things were getting tense and the crowd was cheering wildly for the favorites. Steve was actually beginning to sweat a little, while Bucky chewed with a happy grin on his face. After his eighth pint Steve started to lean back, only to sit forward again as Bucky reached for a ninth. Steve scowled, loosened a notch on his belt and waved for another pint; the crowd screamed its approval. Thor was eating his pints in four or five spoonfuls each and craned his neck so he could see how his count compared. To everyone's surprise, however, the Hulk began to slow down; whether he was full or just losing interest it was hard to tell, but he pushed the bowl away and declared, "Hulk done", then let out a massive belch to cheers from from the kids (and not a few echoes, as well).

Steve finished his ninth pint but now looked distinctly pale. Bucky waggled his eyebrows and signaled for his tenth pint, but Steve threw up his hands- he was done. The crowd roared its approval as Bucky dug in and Captain America conceded defeat. Bucky finished, then turned in his empty container and stood to take a bow, only to be nudged by Thor who pointed at his overhead count with a wide smile; he'd finished _twelve_. Bucky conceded in good grace and they waved to the crowd together, as the Hulk laid back on the stage and sighed. Final count:

Nat, Clint, Rhodey, Tony - 3

Sam - 4

Steve - 9

Bucky - 10

Thor - 12

Hulk - 24

Total _-_ 62

In all, nearly $500k was raised for the veterans and families assistance fund. The Avengers waved to the crowd and headed back to the Tower in the quinjet. Only Nat, Bucky and Thor seemed to have escaped more or less intact. Bruce had changed back and looked extremely unhappy, and Tony held his middle and tried to think about anything other than throwing up. Sam was regretting past decisions and Clint was whimpering in a corner.

Steve turned to Bucky, "How did you pull that off?"

"I stayed in training, three pints a day for the last week. Fridge is cleaned out, by the way." Steve gaped, then collapsed in helpless laugher while Thor roared his approval.

***

Back at the Tower, Bruce sat hunched on the edge of the couch, head in his hands.

Jane slipped up next to him and reverently set her bottle of Gas-Ex on the coffee table in front of Bruce, planted a chaste kiss on his temple and slipped away.

Bruce sighed, opened the bottle and downed two pills.

"I knew this was a bad idea."


	7. Membership Requirements

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Belated holiday gift! Someone asked where Betty was, so of course she needed to make an appearance. I dipped into the comics for this one. ;D Oh- and for the purposes of this ficlet assume Bucky/Nat. Also, I lied, there is one more prompt in the works.

Betty was an irregular attendee at the monthly pity-party, but when she was at the Tower she always joined (first for companionship, then because she, too, was overcome by the tidal flow of hormones). She and Bruce had an on-again-off-again relationship that the others had learned not to ask too much about (either one would reply, "It's complicated" and leave it at that).

When Betty learned her college roommate was working in a lab further down the Tower she started dragging Jan along as well. Janet van Dyne was a little intimidated by the Avengers at first, but she had an easy nature and bright personality that quickly made friends. Hank didn't let her out of the lab very often, but he was off on one of his periodic "sabbaticals" so Jan managed to hang around just often enough to get drawn into the monthly flux as well.

Darcy had formalized things and started referring to girls-only nights as the "CSC Meetings". She called the gaggle of chattering women to order and the members toasted the newest arrivals by tapping their pints of ice cream together (Betty- Chocolate Therapy; Jan- Red Velvet Cake). The group began by cataloging their woes; Darcy had worked out a rating system for how everyone was doing from zero (socializing only) to eleven (my uterus can die in a flaming pit in hell). Tonight, Jan was hovering around a three (bloated, crampy, and can't watch ASPCA commercials). Betty, on the other hand, was a full-on eight (give me chocolate, give it now).

A quick vote determined that this was a "hunky guy with his shirt off" movie night instead of the usual sob story (the group usually deferred to whoever was suffering the most, but everyone felt bad if they accidentally made Jan cry, so this was a good alternative). Darcy checked the "approved" list and queued the first Indiana Jones, always a good movie for mocking the female lead and discussing the salacious things they'd do to young Harrison Ford (or older Harrison Ford in Pepper's case. They realized she had an older-guy kink; if Darcy was feeling evil she'd have chosen the third movie instead, just so they could watch Pepper drool).

Everyone settled down, snuggled in comfy clothes and buried under throw blankets. Just as the opening sequence began the Tower shuddered and lights went out. The group sat in dead silence for a moment, and Betty growled, "What. The. Hell." It had been a tough week, she'd had a fight with her dad, Bruce was being aloof, and she just wanted one night to unwind with girlfriends. Was that so much to ask?

The answer, apparently, was "Yes".

Natasha produced a small flashlight from... somewhere, and Pepper lit the decorative candles on the fireplace mantle (for the first time ever. They'd quickly discovered that open flames and the Avengers was generally a _bad idea_ ).

Darcy was shaking her phone futilely, "My cell's dead. Anyone else have theirs? Hey JARVIS, what was that 'boom'?" There was no answer, just a chorus of "My phone's dead, too." Natasha frowned and muttered something about an EMP. A quick glance out the window confirmed that there was a circle of darkness around the Tower, although further out they could see city lights burning.

"Right." Pepper slipped her shoes back on. "I'm heading down to the workshop. There's a complete generator backup; I don't know why it hasn't tripped already. Of course, if it turns out that Tony blew something up, AGAIN, then I'm going to yell at him. A LOT."

Darcy looked uncertain, "That's a lot of stairs in the dark, are you sure that's a good idea?"

Pepper gave her a smug look. "There's a shielded elevator in Tony's apartment that goes straight to the workshop."

Darcy gave a wicked grin, "In that case, I'm coming, too!"

Eventually, the whole group gravitated after Pepper for a chance to see the super-secret elevator (not to mention Pepper ripping Tony a new one, since they were all pretty sure that whatever-was-happening was his fault; explosions usually were). Besides, no one (Jane) really wanted to sit in the dark by themselves. Natasha was briefly sorry that Maria was working late and would miss out, but the idea of knowing a secret Maria didn't was just too delicious to pass up.

***

The lighted elevator was reassuringly normal (even if it was hidden in Tony's third closet, and  _wow_ he had a lot of shoes). They crowded in, speculating on what had happened. Natasha seemed to be having second thoughts about everyone tagging along, but it was a bit late for that. The doors opened and they stepped into a narrow, featureless room. As the doors closed they were briefly in darkness again, but Pepper reached out, touching a hidden mechanism and the wall swung open into the workshop.

The workshop was eerie, not just for the darkness but because it was so  _quiet._ Even if Tony didn't have his music blasting, there were always noises: the bots moving around, fabricators running, Tony cursing and muttering. Pepper started to move but Natasha briefly rested a hand on her arm and whispered, "Everyone else stay here".  Jan and Jane shifted nervously, but the quiet had gotten to them all (although you didn't need light to know Darcy was pouting).

Betty pushed forward and hissed, "I'm coming." Nat gave a soft murmur of agreement and the three started to carefully wend their way between workstations, avoiding random pieces of machinery. Pepper gave a small whimper when she reached out and found DUM-E motionless, and picked up the pace to the far corner where the backup controls were located.

There was a small sound and Natasha grabbed the back of Pepper's shirt to stop her so Nat could shimmy ahead. Pepper stifled a squeak and Betty let out a low growl. They all listened as something small fell on the floor and rolled; it sounded like a screw had been knocked off a bench somewhere.

Now that their eyes had somewhat adjusted from the light of the elevator, they could make out a faint glow behind the equipment that flanked the power override. Pepper suddenly realized that Natasha was armed, although where she'd hidden the gun in her tank top and fleece pajama pants Pepper was afraid to speculate (wherever the flashlight was hidden, maybe). There was a muffled sound and a shadow obscured the light, fabric rustled, and there was the faint creak of a footstep.

Nat motioned Pepper back and she silently counted to three. She and Betty were about to sweep around opposite sides of the machinery when a shadow launched itself and tackled Betty. There was a roar and the sound of a worktable being overturned as Pepper rushed to Betty's aid, the yellow glow from her body providing dim light to the room.

"JESUS _CHRIST_ ARE YOU TRYING TO _KILL_ ME!?"

" _TONY?_ " Pepper's voice cut through the noise and the fight stopped as suddenly as it started. Natasha's flashlight revealed Tony and Bruce, huddled over a panel as Tony tried to reset something by light of his arc reactor, and Bucky and Red She-Hulk frozen in mid-grapple on the remains of a tool bench.

Tony had a hand clasped over the arc reactor and was wheezing. " _What the hell are you doing sneaking around the workshop?_ "

" _ME?!_ What are _you_ doing? Are you why the power is out?"

Tony froze. "Uh, maybe? But there's an explanation for that, see..."

Bruce clicked something into place and the lights turned on. Natasha gave Bucky a withering look, turned on her heel and stalked off. Betty shrugged off the toolbox that had fallen on her and muttered, "Goddammit if my ice cream melted..." Bruce flinched and watched as she stomped off as well.

Pepper was still a seething flame of rage. She pointed a single finger at Tony, and said " _Later_ ," then followed. The others, seeing the light was on and that it was indeed, Tony's fault, chose the lesser path of valor and fled back up the elevator.

Tony swallowed thickly.

"So. My Girlfriend's a Scary Superhero Club?"

"Yeah, sure."

"I'm in."


	8. Why DUM-E is No Longer Allowed to Make Ice Cream Smoothies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We are getting to the point where I'm considering naming this the "Ice Cream 'Verse" and just get it over with. One more prompt chapter after this one. I relinquish all responsibility for what is about to transpire; blame my Muse, it was his idea. ;}

Even with the big freezer upstairs, Tony still kept ice cream in the workshop for Bruce and himself.

Bruce didn't allow food or drinks in his lab, which was a constant bone of contention with Tony who apparently was a snackaholic; he had food stashed all over the workshop and Bruce was constantly worried that eventually Tony would poison himself by accident.

That said, Bruce liked hanging out in the workshop, chatting back-and-forth while Tony worked on whatever the current project was. Usually he'd sit on the couch to stay out of the way, and when he was done Tony would drop down next to him and they'd watch a movie, go over schematics, or just talk. It was an easy familiarity that had been rare in Bruce's life even before the Hulk, and he cherished it all the more now.

Plus, it was clear that Tony liked having Bruce around; they could debate for hours over minutiae that would send the other Avengers running, and Tony had an endless litany of science puns and loved making Bruce groan at the particularly bad ones. Bruce felt he owed Tony so much that he never turned down an invite to visit the workshop, and since eating food together was a bonding thing for Tony, Bruce ate way more ice cream than was good for him; he just couldn't tell Tony no.

***

The truth slipped out during dinner one night. The team tended to eat out in one of two places: fancy swank restaurants that Tony picked, or little hole-in-the-wall places they staggered into after a fight. In this case it was the latter, a Chinese restaurant near where they had finally taken out the berserk android bear. Tony was nonplussed when Bruce ordered a peach sherbet for dessert.

"Since when do you like sherbet?"

"Uhm, since always?"

"Why not have the ice cream? They have that weird red bean stuff you like."

Bruce shifted a little, "I've been overdoing the dairy lately, and peach sherbet is hard to find."

Tony processed this in silence, then changed the subject and Bruce had a feeling he'd insulted Tony somehow.

***

The next day Bruce wandered down to the workshop. Tony was working on a tweak for Sam's wings (for the 20th time) and they chatted as usual, Bruce working on his tablet.

Tony wandered over to the fridge, "So, you want something cold and frosty?"

"Sure," Bruce was glad Tony hadn't been upset.

"Come and pick something out."

Bruce looked in the freezer and was surprised to find a dozen flavors of sherbet to choose from. "You didn't have to do that, Tony."

"Of course not, but I wanted to," he replied with an offhand shrug. Bruce happily picked out some raspberry and they plopped on the couch to watch an episode of the West Wing (Tony's guilty pleasure).

Things would have continued in that vein indefinitely, except for DUM-E.

***

Tony had trained DUM-E to make smoothies a while back, but results were erratic at best. Thankfully, Tony didn't need blended algae any more, but now he couldn't get DUM-E to  _stop_ making them.

With the algae gone, DUM-E tended to combine whatever was on hand, and his options were not always human-compatible. Tony had warned the rest of the team, but no one liked to disappoint DUM-E, and Steve just encouraged him by drinking whatever-it-was, since it turns out that it's  _really, really hard_ to poison a super-soldier.

Once in a while, however, DUM-E had a flash of brilliance: there had been the rum/ice cream/something concoction that was tasty and knocked Tony on his ass. Sadly, he'd never been able to figure out what DUM-E had used to recreate it, despite hours of experimentation and trying to prompt DUM-E to make a second batch.

About a week after the sherbet appeared, Tony caught DUM-E rolling over to Bruce with a glass of something orange and frothy.

"What's that? What did he make?"

"I watched him," Bruce replied with a smile, "looked like mango sherbet, orange juice, and something else." He took a sip, "Hey, that's pretty good!"

Tony leaned over the glass and took a sniff, and then a sip when Bruce offered. "Hey! That is pretty good, nice job buddy! High-five!"

DUM-E tapped his claw to Tony's palm and whirred happily, then rolled back to the counter. Tony and Bruce watched closely as Dum-E made another, this one with lemon sherbet, fresh strawberries and something else.

"Huh, looks like there might be booze in yours, Bruce."

He shrugged, "If there is I can't taste it," and took another drink. "I wonder what else he'd make with more ingredients?"

Tony grinned, "Let's find out!"

***

Clint caught Bruce and Tony raiding the common kitchen and the rest of the team quickly caught on. As the day progressed more Tower residents drifted in with their own offerings and DUM-E made everyone smoothies.

Some were more successful than others. Avocado/peanut butter/lime? Surprisingly tasty according to Clint (although no one else was brave enough to try it). Kiwi/cantaloupe/pineapple? Surprisingly not- the texture was just too weird was the general consensus.

More sherbet was delivered and it was determined that two out of three of DUM-E's mixes did indeed include alcohol. When the workshop bar started to run low they stripped the bar upstairs and things took on a festive vibe with everyone sharing samples. Bruce was feeling decidedly mellow, Natasha was doubtfully tasting something with wheatgrass and asparagus, and Steve and Bucky were passing their glasses back-and-forth arguing about whose blend was tastier and managed to finish both glasses without reaching a decision.

Things were slowly creeping toward another "Wine Ice Cream Fiasco" when Darcy and Clint both tried to grab the latest creation out of DUM-E's claw at the same time. DUM-E tried to hold on, and the inevitable occurred- the glass jerked suddenly and Darcy took half the contents in the face, leaving Clint howling with laughter. After her gasp of shock, a cunning look stole over Darcy's face; she grabbed a scoop of sherbet and dumped it down the back of Clint's shirt.

Things got very, very messy for the next ten minutes.

Pepper and Maria stepped out of the elevator and everyone froze as the women stopped in the doorway to gawk at the rampage. Steve had managed to pin Bucky long enough to mash a handful of sherbet in his hair, Clint was flinging sherbet snow-balls with deadly accuracy, and Bruce was laughing so hard he was crying at the chaos. Sam had ice cream slowly sliding down the side of his head and was manfully trying to ignore it, while Natasha inexplicably was holding celery stalks in her hands like throwing knives. Tony had slipped to the floor but finally managed to stand up and tried his most innocent expression, "Darcy started it."

"I did not!" But Pepper and Maria both turned the same look on her and she shut down fast.

Maria was breathing through her nose and obviously counting to ten. She looked around the room, closed her eyes and counted to twenty; everyone held their breath waiting for the explosion.

"Clean. It. Up." She ground out, turned sharply on her heel and stalked off.

Pepper gave a deep sigh and looked at Tony with such disappointment that he cringed. Stepping forward he held out his dripping hands and pleaded, "Wait, Pep, I can explain..."

"NO!" She pointed to the line of the doorframe, "No one leaves until everything is clean. I'll send down cleaning supplies and clothes. You each shower in the workshop bathroom before you go anywhere else in the Tower."

JARVIS sounded deeply relieved, "Thank you, Ms. Potts."

Tony tried one more time, "But Marcus..."

" _No,_ Tony. He cleaned up last time. If he saw this he'd quit and I wouldn't blame him. Clean it  _all._ " She turned and marched away, heels clicking.

The Avengers looked at each other sheepishly as Darcy muttered, "...if Clint hadn't tried to steal my drink..."

DUM-E whirred hopefully and offered Tony another glass.


	9. The Ladies of the Bus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is my last planned chapter (requested by my Muse), although that doesn't mean there might not be more drabbles in the future. I've mostly caught up the tags. This was the toughest since I haven't been watching AoS regularly, so I had to do some character research. ;}

The ladies of the the Bus, of course, were on their own schedule, but they had a standing invite and Maria kept May in the loop in case they ever wanted to crash a "meeting".

One evening Lola drifted down onto the helipad and the three climbed out, Skye practically dragging Jemma who clutched a small cooler to her chest and tried to convince them that she could wait in the car. When they stepped into the main lounge the color drained from her face and Jemma stammered, "Oh, oh gosh, it's Black Widow, oh gosh..."

May gave her a gentle shove and drifted over to Nat and Maria where the three huddled on a couch, murmuring and occasionally chuckling.

Skye took a frozen Jemma firmly by the arm and plonked her next to Darcy.

"Darcy - Jemma. Jemma - Darcy."

"Are- are you an Avenger?" Jemma stuttered a little, looking wildly around the room.

"Nope!" Darcy replied, popping the 'p'. She looked thoughtful for a moment. "You're the one who shot Sitwell, right?"

Jemma shifted uncomfortably and blushed, "Well, yes- yes I did."

Darcy leaned back and gave her an impressed look. "Cool!  _I_ tazed Thor!" Jemma's jaw dropped. Skye rolled her eyes as she extracted the cooler from Jemma's lap and moved over to the kitchen.

"Jemma whips up this stuff in the lab, you have to try it."

Nat gave May a questioning glance and she gave a one-shouldered shrug, "It's good."

Jemma blushed as Darcy started bouncing up and down, "Ooh, whatisit whatisit?"

"Well, uhm, you see, there's chocolate, and pomegranate and..." Darcy was already scrambling over the back of the loveseat.

Jane leaned over and patted Jemma's knee, "Don't mind her, she gets a bit excited."

Jemma seemed to finally focus on the other woman and a look of absolute awe drifted over her face. "Dr. Foster?"

"Well, yes, that's me..." Jane tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, a little nervously.

"It'ssuchanhonortomeetyouyourarticleinScienceTodaywasaamazingandI'vebeenwantingtoaskyou..."

Jane leaned back with a slightly panicked look and an uncertain smile, eyes frantically roving the room but no one seemed inclined to come to her rescue. In fact, May, Nat and Maria were quietly laughing at her expense. Jane gave them a sour look and stuck out her tongue, which Jemma didn't seem to notice.

Thankfully, Darcy reappeared, juggling three bowls of lab-made ice cream and handed one to Jane and another to Jemma. She wiggled onto the seat and crossed her legs, gloating over the bowl. She managed to restrain herself until everyone had a bowl and raised hers in salute, "Cheers!" The regular attendees chimed in and the Bus guests followed along, not knowing if this was a regular thing the group did or not.

Pepper, mostly unnoticed up to this point, cautiously took a spoonful and her eyes widened. "Wow. Oh wow."

Darcy already had a mouthful and blissful expression slid across her face. "Oh man, Jemma, this is _amazing_..."

Maria and Nat exchanged a look, then Nat shrugged one shoulder and they both took a bite. A look of something akin to reverence crossed the assassin's features and she stared into the bowl as if she'd found something rare and precious.

Jane took a cautious bite and her eyes slipped closed, and soft moan of pleasure slipping out and surprising the rest of the group.

They sat in collective silence for a moment and Darcy spoke for them all, nodding gravely, "You can join us any time."

Skye smirked, "I told you so."


	10. The Mystery of the Missing Ice Cream - Part I

Things had been going fairly well; no one had tried to take over the city in the last few weeks, what was left of HYDRA was hiding and licking its wounds, and other than the escaped tentacle-thing that scared the crap out of some tourists there hadn't been much for the Avengers to do. They all spent a bit more time hanging around the lounge and playing video games than was strictly good for them, enjoying the downtime. Steve tried to keep everyone to an exercise regimen, but even he felt they deserved some time off and enjoyed the warm fall weather to do some sketching in the park and catching up on some of his "to-watch" movie list.

During quiet times like this PR usually managed to drum up a couple events to keep the Avengers brand fresh (Stark Industries) and generate goodwill in-between property damage suits (SHIELD). In this case, it was a charity event benefiting the Wounded Warrior Project, something near and dear to Bucky's heart. He wasn't up to talking in front of a crowd, but he could wear a tux ( _and quite stylishly thank-you-very-much_ ) and let Steve do his patriotic best drumming up attention and donations.

Everyone and their significant others had dressed to the nines, there was a good mix of celebrities there in support, and the usual number of politicians up for re-election were there to press the flesh and get their pictures taken with the right people. The show was over by midnight and the crew staggered back in the Tower close to one a.m.

"I swear, those things are more tiring than a three-day stakeout," Clint groaned, shedding his bow tie and jacket before they reached the elevator and rolling up his sleeves.

Natasha rolled her eyes, "At least you kept your jacket on until we left, this time."

"I think I need a drink to wash that slime off- I can't believe Hammer was there," Tony shuddered.

"Didn't you have enough at the open bar?" Tony's drinking had improved significantly, but Steve kept a close eye on him, anyway.

"I don't know, I think I'm with Tony on this one." Steve backed down, he wasn't about to argue with Pepper on  _anything_ , and if she thought Tony having one more drink was okay it probably was.

Jane and Darcy had both kicked off their shoes as soon as they hit the limo, and Thor happily escorted them to the lunge in the common area. Darcy flopped on a couch while Bruce wandered down to his lab and Sam and Maria talked quietly about how the evening went.

"Hey, Thor, my buddy, my pal, my shield-brother. Hook a girl up with some Rocky Road?"

"Of course, little shield-sister!"

"Ooh- could you get me one too, please?" Jane looked hopeful. Muttered sounds of interest drifted from other areas of the lounge- the 'dinner' had been surprisingly light on actual food. It was all of the 'tiny bites that look pretty' genre, which certainly didn't work for super-soldiers, Thor, or  _anyone_  with an appetite, really. Thor smiled and gave Jane a kiss, then wandered into the kitchen to oblige.

Tony and Pepper were starting to drift towards their bedroom, thoughts obviously elsewhere when there was a sudden CRASH that sounded like lightning  _inside_ the Tower. Everyone rushed back, Bruce sprinting up the staircase and Steve and Bucky running full-tilt into the room to skid to a halt.

"What is it? What happened?"

"THIEVERY!" Thor's voice boomed across the floor, causing the mere mortals to wince. "Our most precious viands have been taken, my friends!"

"Easy big guy! No EMPs inside the Tony!" Tony yelped. (Almost everything had been hardened since the last time, but it was an experience no one wanted to repeat.)

Natasha quickly scouted the kitchen and confirmed, "The ice cream fridge is empty." She did a quick check, "The pints hidden in the back of the regular freezer are gone, too."

Tony was confused but otherwise unconcerned. "No biggie, Muscles, just take a deep breath there. Jarvis, did we have a defrosting scheduled and forget to restock or something?"

"No sir, as far as I am aware there should be 32 pints of ice cream in the specialty freezer, and another three of Cotton Candy that Agent Barton hid in the main refrigerator."

Bucky gave Clint an offended look. "Hey! If _someone_ stopped eating all the ice cream..."

Darcy rolled her eyes, "Maybe if  _you_ just admitted it was your favorite and had a shelf like everyone else..."

Tony was starting to look worried now. "Hold the phone there- J, who took everything out?"

"I don't know, sir. I am currently scanning all logs since the last known presence and no one has removed a pint since this morning's delivery."

"And we're sure they actually put some in and didn't take it all away instead?"

Jarvis sounded offended. "Of course, Sir, plus the delivery men would not have known about the ice cream hidden in the other refrigerator."

Tony was tapping a lip, "I'm going to check my stash in the workshop," and hurried out. Glances were quickly exchanged and half the room cleared as folks raced to check on personal freezers. Sure enough, every pint in the Tower was  _gone_.

***

"Loki. It has to be." Tony shrugged, ignoring the glowering look Thor sent his way. "No one else could get in and out without Jarvis knowing without using magic."

Thor frowned, then sighed. "I fear you speak the truth, my friend. I do not know how else such a thing could be done. Such mischievous perfidy is certainly not unknown to him. But truly I thought my brother above such base action." Thor took his ice cream  _very_ seriously

Tony huffed, "...and after Strange took three whole days shaking his rainstick after the last magic mess you'd think Loki would have been locked out. I knew that mumbo-jumbo was no good." He sighed, "Well, there's not much we can do tonight kids- J's placed another order and we'll have it in the morning."

The group broke up for good, a certain amount of muttering (Darcy: " _I'm a trickster god, I steal ice cream_ , what the hell?") and pouting (Clint), but they were otherwise resigned to their fate. Thor had to be restrained from flying around town to find an open bodega with ice cream pops by promising that he could have  _two_ pints of Hazed and Confused the next day.

***

In a secret bunker, two shadowy figures hunched over the concealed video feed that showed the Avengers common room.

"I don't know how you did it. How do you think they'll react when the next shipment is 'delayed'?"

"It really wasn't that hard, sir. Besides, they're getting a bit out of shape."

Coulson smirked and Fury had a long laugh, passing him a twenty.


	11. Asgardians & Ice Cream

Curiously enough, it was Thor who finally invited Sif to the ladies' monthly ice-cream fest; she hadn't been deliberately excluded, it was just assumed that she was off doing otherworldly 'stuff'. By now, however, Sif had made a few visits to Midgard on her own, so when Thor bashfully led her in and asked if she could join she was warmly welcomed.

The first challenge, of course, was to get her out of her armor. It took a good deal of coaxing to convince her that comfy clothes were  _de rigueur_ for this event, and they finally explained that it was a 'cultural custom' and they might be offended if she didn't join them. The second challenge was finding anything that _fit_. They ended up borrowing a pair of sweatpants from Steve (he helpfully offered a t-shirt as well, but it was generally agreed that since all Steve's t-shirts were somehow three sizes too small, it might be a bit  _distracting_ if Sif wore one).

(What the team didn't realize was that it had all started out as a prank by Clint. He got his hands on some misprinted t-shirts; the tags said extra-large but they clearly weren't. He slipped them into Steve's closet on the helicarrier and Steve just kept wearing them, thinking that modern sizes were a bit on the small side. Once Natasha figured out what was going on she kept it going, since it was generally agreed by _everyone_  that it would be a crying shame if Steve ever wore a shirt that actually fit.)

Jane dug up one of Thor's t-shirts and an oversized hoodie. Sif was enthralled by the fleecy lining of the sweatpants and hoodie, and the group was instead distracted by Sif continually rubbing and cuddling herself (Thor eventually decided to leave, not because he was staring, but because _Jane_ was staring and he was having decidedly unprincely thoughts. To Sif's credit, the ladies didn't even notice him leave).

Since they had a guest the girls took turns introducing Sif to various ice cream flavors and swapping hormone stories. While Asgardians have advanced medical technology, they hadn't entirely eliminated the occurrence of cramps, but Asgardians were only discomforted for one day a month so Sif knew how to make that day _count._ She happily recounted the tale of waking the morning before a battle to find that her time of the month had come upon her unawares. Thor and the leader of the opposing army were going through a certain amount of trash-talking, working themselves up to the fight. Sif lost patience, stormed out and started knocking around  _both_ of them with the flat of her blade, calling them 'cowardly, lazy, posturing cockerels who do nothing but crow'. The attacking army, seeing that Asgardian women were so fierce, collectively chose the better part of valor and surrendered.

It was quickly confirmed that "girl-talk" between the realms wasn't so very different. They talked about crushes (Hogan's crush on Sif, Sif's crush on... someone unnamed, but the impression was that it was someone associated with the Avengers. Sif snuck a few glances at Maria but she seemed oblivious. Natasha smirked.) How hard it was to find supportive gear (Sif had her armor custom-tailored but was deeply fascinated by the potential presented by the 'sport bra').

They also compared their favorite movies with Sif's favorite romantic odes. Thinking it sounded like a close match, Pepper explained the story of Romeo and Juliet and they ended up watching that, which left half the room in tears and Sif swore to bring this tragic lovestory home with her (and told them a similar version popular in Asgard except it had a vile sorceress, a battle with ice giants, and in the end the Romeo character was tragically trampled by bilgestipe. Everyone agreed that it would make a  _great_ movie.)

At the end of the evening, Sif proclaimed the "Ladies Night of Monthly Woes" to be an admirable institution that she planned to bring back to Asgard with her. Her favorite ice cream flavor by far was Chocolate Peanut Buttery Swirl, and since Asgard didn't had peanut butter (which made Darcy gasp and pet Sif consolingly), Sif was offered a standing invitation and a pint would be kept in the fridge, just for her. Sif was touched and promised to return when she could (with a few more glances Maria's way). She thanked everyone most formally and then called, "I am ready to return, brother!"

Darcy asked, "Who's your brother?"

"Heimdall, of course! Good eve sisters, and I hope to return soon!" Sif and her armor were bathed in a column of light and then were gone.

Darcy blinked. "Heimdall is Sif's brother?"

Jane blinked, "Oh dear, she took Steve's sweatpants with her."

Natasha leaned over and whispered in Maria's ear. Maria's eyes widened and she might have blushed  _just_ a little bit.

In all, it was a _very_ successful evening.


	12. The Mystery of the Missing Ice Cream, Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For those following along, this occurs after Part I (obviously) but before "Asgardians and Ice Cream". This chapter of blatant fan service brought to you by everyone who begged for the culprits to receive their... (dun dun dunnn...) _just desserts_.
> 
> (You know I couldn't pass that up!)

Tony was irritated. Someone was deliberately irritating him. It had to be deliberate- there was no way *every* pint of Ben & Jerry's in the greater tri-state area could suddenly become unavailable to the Avengers. For the most part it was just a minor annoyance, with one exception: Jarvis kept an eye on the calendar, and the next Girl's Night was getting too close for comfort.

There are been a marked increase in snarkiness and sulking around the Tower. Natasha was silently furious and everyone was giving her wide berth until the ice cream famine was resolved. Tony still had his money on Loki but it seemed less and less likely; Loki tended to be a one-off prankster, and this had been going on for over a week. 

They'd been over it time and time again: who would know their schedule and preferences so well? Who could get access to the Tower and get around Jarvis? Who would  _dare_  risk the wrath of Black Widow?

"Truly, her wrath is most fearsome," Thor commented. He'd particularly been suffering for lack of ice cream, but in sparring that morning she'd actually  _growled_ at him and it caught the Asgardian so off-guard she'd managed to flip him. (Clint had been trying to make a pun on 'off-guard Asgardian' for hours; his attempts were truly abysmal.)

"They're really smart and really dumb," Clint added; the male Avengers were having an emergency planning session down in Tony's workshop.

"How so?" Steve was idly sketching; no one commented on the fact that he was drawing soft-serve ice cream in waffle cones.

"It's just enough of a minor annoyance that we can't get anyone else involved, but they're subtle enough that we can't figure out who's rerouting shipments. When we do find them they have to know we're going make them suffer, or at least Natasha will. She's called dibs on payback."

There was a moment of respectful silence as the group considered this and Sam shuddered, "Man, I do  _not_ want to see that."

"You won't have to," Natasha announced from the doorway, looking as smug as a cat that's been in the cream.

She tossed a pint of ice cream underhanded to Clint who snatched it our of the air with a crow of delight "Cotton Candy! How'd you do it Nat?"

Crossing her arms, Natasha leaned against the door frame and polished her nails on her shoulder with a smug smile. "Now, now, that would be telling. The freezer is full and Girl's Night is on for Tuesday. _Don't_ be there." She turned and sauntered down the hall.

Bruce blinked and looked around the group, "But who did it?"

***

Deep in the bowels of the helicarrier, a shadow slipped through a darkened mid-level storeroom. The unit it held was refrigerated, usually used for surplus food storage, containing less-than-stable chemical compounds, or the occasional supervillian who needed to kept in cold temperatures.

Deft fingers rewired the senors and quickly bypassed the alarm system, then programmed an override to unlock the unit. The heavily-insulated door swung open, revealing a room the size of two car garage absolutely packed to the gills with boxes of ice cream. Suspicions confirmed, the shadow quickly set to work.

***

Fury was striding down a hallway, coat swirling behind him as he rattled off the next assignment to Agent Coulson, who managed to easily keep up without appearing rushed in any way. They slowed just before Fury's office door when Coulson's arm shot out to stop him, just as Fury let out a "What the  _hell_ is that?!" They both drew and aimed at the pink-brown slime slowing oozing out from under the door.

"Sir..." but Coulson didn't get any further as Fury shoved the door open with an oath, revealing his entire office drowned in two feet of melted ice cream.

Coulson sighed and holstered his gun, "I'm going to check my office, sir," and quickly moved off while Fury stood there spluttering as ice cream slowly flowed over the toes of his black boots, half a dozen stunned agents clustering behind him to see what was going on.

***

Somewhere in the ventilation system, two shadows crouched over the pvc hose that had pumped melted ice cream from the drain in the floor of the refrigerator unit.

"I knew it had to be an inside job," Natasha purred, passing a pint of ice cream to her co-conspirator. "Nice job, Agent 13."

Sharon took the pint with a twinkle, "Anytime. Don't forget, you owe me a favor."

"What are you doing Tuesday night?"


End file.
